It's Just That Hard
by Dora Kasenger
Summary: After speaking at Alex's funeral, Paige doesn't know how to handle the death. Currently rated M, due to language, adult situations, sexual referrences, etc. Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi. Second chapter up. Palex.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**: The Funeral

"There was always something distinct about her that I could never place my finger on; I could never be too specific with her." Nervously, I clicked my tongue against the back of my now-clenched teeth. Every pair of eyes was focused on me, and I knew I was blushing, my tear-stained cheeks flushing bright red. "In her last days," While I began speaking again, I forced myself to hold back tears, because she wouldn't have wanted me to cry so much. "Alex Nuñez had been finishing her sophomore year in college; she told me she was going to try her best and stay out of trouble." Looking around, I noticed that Emily, Alex's mom, wasn't even here. (Hopefully, she didn't drink herself into a grave.) "And, she stayed out of trouble: working two part-time jobs, taking several college courses…" My voice trailed off as I took note to the small group of friends we ran with throughout our years at Degrassi. Even Jay was here, sitting closer to the back; I think I saw him actually crying. "Anyone who knew Alex knew her sarcasm, knew that she'd be the one sitting in the far back, smirking her ass off." My mother glared at me; I smiled weakly, wiping at my tears with the back of my hand. "Right now, she's watching over us, not wanting anyone to be weary or cry over her." Had this been a high school assembly, someone would have shouted 'Then, why are you crying?' Luckily, it's not: but, it's worse than that, by ten fold.

Sooner or later, I'll have to come to terms with myself: Alex Nuñez, the only girlfriend I had and will ever have, is dead.


	2. Chapter One

**Chapter One** – Our Secret Is Buried

"Paige, everything's going to be fine." His voice was overflowing with concern, and holding back my tears was slowly searing into my heart. I felt his head rest on my upper back; glancing to him, he smiled slightly, an attempt at reassurance surely. But I shook my head, the corners of my lips turned downward in a saddened frown. "You'll find someone else, I know you will."

Gulping, my arms crossed over my chest tightly, and I quickly stood. My entire body was trembling. I cast my eyes away, shaking my head, biting back tears.

"Don't ever say that, Marco." I hissed to him, practically scowling. Turning on my heel, I left the funeral home, walking outside into the chill spring morning. My tears rolled down my flushed cheeks, and I ignored the people trying to make me feel better. They could never understand. No one knew how much she meant to me; no one knew how much I love her, how much I need her in my life.

Pulling at the clasp from the cheap chain around my neck, I heard its metallic plastic snap. In my sullen silence, I slipped the diamond ring on my left ring finger. Alex was my everything; she'll always be my everything.

After much consideration, I had decided to have Alex buried, and no cremated. So, I doled out the necessary cash after the ceremony. Quite honestly, I didn't want to be here or anywhere right now: I just wanted to wake up in bed, glance over to Alex, and pinch myself for thinking her dead. And, to my dismay, I had to go back to work on Monday. That gave me today, Friday, and the weekend to pull myself together. Great.

Perhaps I should cancel our dinner reservations for Saturday night. Weakly, I shrugged, and mentally scolded myself. Marco was right – I'll find someone new, someone else to be happy with; whether a guy or a girl, I know Alex would want me to be happy.

"Paige!"

The voice attached to my name felt like a slap in the face; no, it's just Spinner. Plastering a fake smile on my flushed face, I turned around, as he caught me in a loose embrace.

"I'm really sorry about all of this."

"Thanks Spin."

Comfortingly, he patted my back: Inwardly, I hid a smile. Now was not the time for me to emotionally entangle myself with anyone, on a friend level, family level, or any romantic level at all. This just wasn't a good time for me. Hell, I can't even crack a genuine smile.


	3. Chapter Two

**Chapter Two**: The Return of an Old Friend

I scared Spinner away, and thank God I did: there had been an uncomfortable silence stretching between us, and I really couldn't deal with that. Though, contrary to belief, I am not and will never be subjected to a "dumb blonde" again. That part of me was lost when I walked up that unknown staircase behind Dean.

Whenever thoughts of him arose, Alex had always been very good at averting my attention to something happier; she'd either change the topic with witty sarcasm, or she'd just kiss me. But, our location reflected her method of distraction, as did the time of day and who was or wasn't with us at that particular moment.

Unfortunately, I was ripped from my memories and plastered back to the present, by a set of hands cupped over my eyes.

"Guess who?" That voice sounded so familiar to me, it did. But, I couldn't place my finger on it. Though, I heard Ashley giggle.

"Come on, Paige. Who haven't you seen in forever?"  
"Hazel?" I wanted to say Alex – I almost did.  
"Try again." The voice chirped. So, I pursed my lips, sighing.  
"Uh… Heather Sinclair?"

"Eew," Cooed the voice.  
"Agreed," Ashley mused.  
"I give up," Taking the hands off my eyes; I turned around, weakly smiling. I was almost speechless. "T-Terry? Wow, hun: you look… amazing." She enveloped me in an embrace.

"Sorry you lost Alex. He-"

"She," I corrected.  
"Oh… _She_ must've meant a lot to you."

"The world, actually," I confirmed.  
As tears began to reform in my eyes, I bit my lip, holding back a sob. I've never felt more vulnerable in my life.  
"Paige, don't cry." Terry cooed softly to me, and Ashley rubbed my back.  
"You'll be okay." Ashley chimed in. Sure, they might have known about my relationship with Alex, but no one knew its full extent, except Alex, Marco, and I.

Though, through their comforting embraces and kind words, Terry and Ashley had guided me to my car, where Marco was waiting. Wiping at my tears, Terry let go of me, and Ashley was leading her away. Honestly, I never thought I'd see Terry again, but I'm glad I did.

Nervously I crossed my arms over my chest, inhaling deeply. "Marco, I'm sorry… I didn't mean to snap at you, and I, uh…"

"I know you didn't mean it, Paige." He replied, as my voice trailed off. I opened my mouth to voice my reply, but my voice wasn't there, so he continued. "But, sooner or later, you're going to have to move on. I know it's hard, I do."

Truth be told, he was right, and I was completely speechless. "As much as I hate to admit defeat, you're right, hun." The slight smile tugging at his lips proved contagious; and I smiled.


	4. Chapter Three

Thanks for the reviews on the first two chapters & the prologue: they've motivated me to boom out the third chapter so fast. And, I'm even working on the fourth already. (Note: I handwrite everything first, then I type it up.) So... enjoy!

* * *

**Chapter Three**: Memory Box

After driving Marco to his parents' house, I drove straight home, to the apartment Alex and I had been living in for the past eight months. The only reason I had to stay there was the fact that the lease wasn't up for another four months. But, the only problem would be making rent: with my full time job, of being my mother's secretary, I could make rent… I just wouldn't be able to eat that month.

Half sighing, I parked my car in the parking lot, and silently walked the three flights of stairs, of which I chose to secure our safety. I remember when we were looking at this place; nine months ago, life was still close to perfect…

_"Wow, hun: You're really excited about looking for our own place." Though, I could understand her lack of a peppy attitude.  
From her seat in the car, she glanced to me, raising her brow, with her trademark smirk.  
Blinking, I looked to her, half smiling, nervously.  
"What?"  
"Paige, it's ten o'clock in the morning, I'm awake, and it's a Saturday."  
Defensively, I pouted.  
"But, I made you breakfast, I gave you a good morning kiss, I showered with you…"  
"I didn't ask you to."  
"But, I did, Alex. And… you know you loved it." Teasingly, I set my hand on her thigh. Her cheeks reddened, which made me giggle. "Hun, you're blushing."  
"I figured from your giggling."  
"You're so cute when you blush, though." I squealed softly.  
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her bow her head, the flush leaving her cheeks slowly, and she smiled, slipping her hand into mine, lacing our fingers.  
"Oh, just so you know, this apartment is on the third floor of the building, and we have roof access, too." As we came to a red light, I pressed down on the gas, and cast my gaze over to her; almost immediately after the words rolled off my tongue, I saw her brown eyes widen, and she lifted her head, blinking to me with wide eyes, a solemn face.  
"Third floor…?"  
"Plus, roof access…!"  
I figured she would react this way, so I had prepared my rebuttal:  
"In my defense, I was only thinking of our safety. Sure, it's a good neighborhood, but since we're near Degrassi, and the Lakehurst kids have this huge grudge against the world, I figured it'd be best if we were on higher ground…" My voice trailed when she squeezed my hand gently, turning her head to look out the window. In her faded reflection, I saw a slight smile tugging at the corners of her lips.  
"And, it's not just because we get roof access, right?" She asked me, turning her eyes back to me; I could tell she was holding back laughter.  
Though, she caught me. I really just wanted this place because it had roof access, and I figured we could have a few candlelit dinners up there; it wouldn't hurt for the romance factor. "You know me too well."  
"That and you're a bad liar, Michalchuk."  
"Let's see if you get laid tonight, Nuñez."_

Unlocking the door, I closed it behind me, locking it once more and replacing the chain: it had become a habit ever since we moved here, and Alex had picked up on it as well. Taking off my coat, I needed to get out of these clothes. Wearing black was something I only did for funerals, and even then, I always hated it. I just wanted to take a shower, and wear the sweatshirt Alex had bought for me on our one-year anniversary trip to Calgary: it was the only black sweatshirt I would wear in front of people, and not care if I fell a victim of bad fashion, because I was wearing the sweatshirt my girlfriend bought me.

Sighing deeply, my arms crossed over my midsection, shielding my insecurities from the world, as I walked into our bedroom; her side of the bed was always messy, mine neatly made. It brought tears to my eyes. I could never sleep there again, because I knew I'd wake up wanting her next to me, and she just would never be there again. So, I sat at the end of the bed, and slipped off my heels, sliding my bare feet into my fuzzy pink slippers. Standing, I replaced my black dress with a pair of pink shorts and that Calgary sweatshirt from Alex.

As I curled up at one end of the couch, my knees tucked into my chest and my chin resting in between my kneecaps, tears welled in my eyes again. Nothing was ever going to be the same for me. My heart just fell from Cloud Nine, and splattered on the pavement outside of Degrassi Community School.


	5. Chapter Four

**Chapter Four**: Nightmares, Memories, and Chocolate Cake

"Paige, where are we going?" As she spoke while I tugged her along, she squeezed my hand, and pulled me into her. We were incredibly close: our noses touched, my chest pressed gently against hers. Honestly, we weren't caught in this position often, let alone while roaming the halls of Degrassi C.S., when she should be attending class – gym class – but she left her books with me, on purpose, so I would have an excuse to see her during the day.

"I thought you wanted to go back to gym," I whispered back. I was defenseless: my knees were already growing weak beneath my weight. Alex's palm spread over my lower back wasn't helping my vulnerable situation any.

"And miss being with you? Never," She replied, her steps going backwards, mine forwards. She was wearing her signature smirk, while I chose a simple grin.  
"Now I feel like a dumb blonde."  
"If you were dumb, you wouldn't have been accepted to Banting, Paige."

"Then maybe I wouldn't have set my dorm room on fire and dr-" My words were silenced, by the press of Alex's lips against mine. Moments later, I pulled away, with a wider smile and flushed cheeks. "What was I saying?"

"That you're going to meet me at the Dot when I get out of school."

"I'm sure I wasn't abo-" Again, she trapped me in a lip lock. Though, when we heard someone clearing their throat, both of us retracted from the kiss. I looked over Alex's shoulder, nervously smiling.

"Hi, Mrs. Hatzilakos…"

Alex grimaced to me, before forcing a smile. "I'm going back to gym, Mrs. H, I swear…"

"Good for you, Alex. But I'm afraid this meeting with Miss Michalchuk is over." With that, Alex moved her hand from my lower back, flashing me a reassuring smile. "I'm sorry, Paige."

Being escorted away from Alex, who sulked back to gym, I looked back at her three times: the first, she had two heads; second, a tail; third, three heads, and "I hate Paige" written on the back of her shirt…

I drifted into a nightmare; of course. Sure, I've had nightmares where Alex left me, and I would wake up in the middle of the night, panting and sweating. Normally, she would wake up from my shifting, and comfort me back to sleep: Alex could be the sweetest person when she wanted to be. But, this time, she's not here, and she'll never be here again. All I have is my memories of her.

Walking to the kitchen, my arms seemed permanently crossed over my chest, I noticed, and it made me realize exactly how dependent I had become. Alex kept me from the occasional panic attacks, she made heart-shaped pancakes whenever I needed cheering up; on those few mornings, she would make me a cup of coffee, and bring it to me in bed. I never took these choice moments for granted, and I tried to treat her to the same royalties, but she never accepted them from me. She just set aside whatever I was offering and pulled me back into bed with her; if she wasn't in a good mood or we were fighting, she accepted the offer in silence.

There had to be something I could do, at one in the morning, to keep my mind off of Alex, for the time being. So, I searched the cabinets: luckily, I found a box of chocolate cake mix, which made me inwardly smile. Baking a cake would distract me from my worries, and my thoughts on Alex.

Marco was right: I need to move on.


	6. Chapter Five

**Chapter Five**: Doomed to the Couch

"Paige, it's two in the morning."

"I made you a cake."

"Why?"

"Because you were right: I need to get over her." Distantly, I heard Dylan snoring; he and Marco were still living together. "And, since when does Dylan snore?"

"Since he's still sick: he's got a stuffed nose," Marco explained to me, trying to sound nonchalant about my brother's head-cold, but he cared so much, and I knew it. It made me smirk, actually.

"So, what kind of cake did you make me, Paige?" He asked curiously, yawning into the phone, making me yawn too.

"Chocolate cake, chocolate icing; I call it, Death by Chocolate." With the loss of Alex in my life, I came off as a bit morbid, I suppose. And, my sense of humor was running dryer by the minute.

With his exasperated sigh, I assumed that he rolled his eyes to me.

"Hold on," He began, and I heard the bed squeak beneath him. "I'm going downstairs so I don't wake up Dylan."

"Good idea. He's a light sleeper," I remarked, nodding to him, knowing he couldn't see me, but it made me feel better about myself.

After talking to Marco for an hour, his constant yawning brought him to be sleeping on the couch in his and Dylan's living room. I felt bad for him; because I knew he'd be complaining when he woke up: they doomed me to sleep on that couch before, and I woke up grumbling from a sore back. But, Marco can sleep anywhere. He's fallen asleep on the Degrassi steps before, and Alex and I had to wake him up, or else we would have left him there. Just thinking about that brought my thoughts back to Alex again, and I started remembering…

"Where's my pink bra?"  
"Which one? Last time I checked, they were **all** pink, Paigey."

Rolling my eyes to her, she poked her head out of the bathroom, watching me move about our room, tearing through every drawer. "I meant the one I was wearing on Tuesday: the one with the flowers on it, the one you don't like…"

"You mean the one I'm wearing right now?" Alex asked me softly, pushing her own bathrobe off her shoulder a bit, as I walked into the bathroom, peering over her shoulder, pouting. "And, this is my bra, by the way…"

Wrinkling my nose curiously, I folded my arms over my chest, sighing gently, placing a kiss on her cheek. "I hate it when you're right,"

"Why does it matter what color bra you're wearing anyway? We're going to watch Dylan play hockey, babe. I don't think they care what color bra you're wearing." She reassured me, turning off the bathroom light, walking towards our closet: everything was neat, and our wardrobes seemed to mesh ever since we started living together. I wore black with navy blue; she wore pink. Everything had fallen into place somehow, and we could practically finish each other's sentences.

"It matters because… I don't know, it just does," Rummaging through a drawer, I pulled out a white bra. "I think this is yours, but I'm wearing it anyway, hun." I told her, slipping my arms out of my bathrobe, to pull on the bra after fastening it behind me. "Oh, are you wearing a jersey with me, or am I doing that alone?"

"No, I was planning on wearing a jersey with you; don't worry," Alex told me, smiling, as she pulled our jerseys from the closet, each on its own hanger. As she handed one to me, she half smirked: she was expecting a kiss. So, giving in to her, I pecked the tip of her nose, raising my brows playfully.

"Tonight, I promise." I whispered to her, pulling the jersey over my head. It fell past my hips, and covered the new thong I was wearing, which meant Alex couldn't see what she had in store for later tonight. Pulling on a pair of jeans, I wrapped a belt through each loop. Just as I was about to fasten it, I felt Alex wrap her arms around my waist. "Mm, hi there,"

"Hi yourself," She whispered back to me, kissing the back of my head, fastening my belt for me. Once she was finished, I turned in her arms, wrapping mine around her neck.

"I'll safely assume you plan on leaving the apartment in more than… your silk bathrobe and a bra?" She smiled to my question, and nodded. "Good. Because you would freeze and I would be extremely jealous."

"I figured as much," She mumbled back, letting go and taking my arms off of her neck. She proceeded to get dressed: her jersey was black and mine was white, so we didn't entirely match. The fact that we were both wearing jeans might annoy Marco some, but neither of us was too worried with that right now.

"I just need make-up, and then we can go."

But, before I could even make it to the bathroom, she started pulling me for the door. "No make-up for you today: I'm not wearing it, so you aren't either," She commanded of me, and I scowled at her, reluctantly following. I knew better than to protest her wishes, because it would bite me in the ass later.

"Come on, Alex! Just lip gloss!!"

"No. And, give me your car keys."

"Why?"

"I'm driving,"

At that, I narrowed my eyes to her, but she pinned me against the front door, pressing her body into mine. She knew I couldn't refuse her in this position. But, she had already fished the keys out of my front pocket, and pressed a kiss to my forehead. She was sweet like that sometimes…

During my remembering, I had slumped down on the couch, my face buried in the cushions, tears streaming from my eyes. I need to get over her, and find someone else. Sure: I'm resilient. I bounce back fast. But, this hurts. It hurts even more than trying to slit your wrists – not that I've ever tried that, but… okay, you get the point.

Sighing, I sat up, leaning my stiffened back against the couch, and I turned on the television, flipping through channels. Since nothing was on, I decided to watch one of the news channels. Maybe I'd get attached to it. Who knows? Not me.


End file.
